In this comprehensive blog, we delve into the world of cohabitation agreements, exploring what they are, why they matter, and the benefits they bring to couples. Whether you're contemplating moving in with your partner or simply seeking to understand more about modern relationship dynamics, this guide will equip you with valuable insights into the advantages of having a cohabitation agreement.
A Cohabitation Agreement, also known as a living together agreement, serves as a paramount legal tool that affords couples an invaluable sense of clarity and protection in the intricate landscape of cohabitation. This document stands as a comprehensive roadmap, artfully delineating each partner's rights, responsibilities, and entitlements. It transcends the realm of assumptions and ambiguity, cementing a foundation of legal understanding that can profoundly impact the relationship's trajectory.
Within this legally binding framework, significant facets such as property ownership, financial contributions, and the distribution of assets in case of a parting of ways are meticulously outlined. This preemptive measure minimizes the potential for disputes, ensures that the parties involved are fully aware of their respective positions, and safeguards against any future contentions that might arise due to uncertainties.
A central and integral advantage of a Cohabitation Agreement lies in its ability to foster a profound sense of financial security for cohabiting couples. This dynamic agreement doesn't just focus on present financial arrangements but anticipates a variety of potential scenarios and prepares the individuals for them. By spelling out in detail the division of expenses, the management of joint assets, and the actions to be taken in the event of an unforeseen circumstance, such as a partner's passing, the agreement lays down a robust and protective financial infrastructure.
Through this framework, the agreement serves as a safeguard against potential conflicts arising from financial misunderstandings. It establishes a clear structure that underlines financial responsibilities, thereby contributing to harmonious cohabitation and ensuring that the financial stability of both partners remains intact, irrespective of the changes that may come.
The beauty of a Cohabitation Agreement lies in its adaptability to the specific nuances and circumstances of each couple's cohabitation journey. Unlike standardized legal protocols, these agreements are flexible canvases upon which partners can paint bespoke solutions that cater to their unique needs. This tailored approach resonates particularly well with couples with distinctive considerations not adequately addressed by off-the-shelf legal guidelines.
Through this customization, cohabiting couples can delve into intricate matters that default legal rules might gloss over. These can encompass protective measures for pre-existing assets, stipulations for managing debts, and personalized delineations of shared responsibilities, ultimately fostering a profound sense of fairness and mutual understanding within the relationship.
Effective communication is the cornerstone of any successful partnership, and a Cohabitation Agreement shines as a conduit for open dialogue and conflict prevention. Couples engage in a proactive dialogue that paves the way for mutual understanding and harmonious coexistence by explicitly discussing and documenting expectations, duties, and potential points of contention.
This preemptive approach doesn't merely deter misunderstandings; it sets the stage for resolving conflicts in a structured manner. The agreement functions as a guidebook for conflict resolution, thereby reducing the likelihood of contentious legal battles and the accompanying emotional distress that can result from a relationship's dissolution.
The foresight embedded in a Cohabitation Agreement is a hallmark of its significance. This legal instrument is not confined to the present but extends its benefits into future planning. Couples can use this document to establish provisions that outline the steps they would take if they decide to transition their relationship into a more formalized arrangement, such as marriage or another legally recognized partnership.
Considering the future, the agreement remains adaptable and relevant, even as the relationship dynamics evolve. This forward-looking perspective showcases the agreement's ability to transcend immediate circumstances, making it an invaluable tool for couples committed to building a sustainable and adaptable cohabitation journey.
A cohabitation agreement is more than just a legal document; it's a symbol of trust, respect, and commitment between partners. It reflects a willingness to engage in proactive discussions, plan for uncertainties, and build a life together based on mutual understanding. Whether you're considering cohabitation or seeking to strengthen your existing arrangement, a cohabitation agreement can be a powerful tool to ensure a harmonious and secure journey into the future. At MP Lawyers, we understand the intricacies of cohabitation agreements and how they can benefit you and your partner. Led by Sherri D. Moss, our team is here to provide the legal guidance you need. Ready to protect your relationship and assets? Get in touch with MP Lawyers today!
To learn more about the services we offer, please click here. To contact us, please click here or call us at (905)-237-7545.
Divorce and separation are emotionally taxing life events that necessitate the involvement of a skilled family lawyer. These legal professionals understand the intricacies inherent in family law, ensuring that the complexities of property division, child custody, alimony, and more are effectively managed. By enlisting the guidance of a family lawyer, individuals can be assured that their rights and interests are protected throughout the process. These lawyers offer expert advice and navigate the legal terrain, thereby contributing to the smooth progression of the proceedings while alleviating the stress associated with divorce or separation.
When embroiled in disputes related to child custody and support, the assistance of a family lawyer is invaluable. These legal experts specialize in negotiating and formalizing custody arrangements that prioritize the child's welfare. Additionally, family lawyers play a vital role in accurately calculating child support, ensuring that financial responsibilities are equitably distributed. By involving a family lawyer, individuals can secure a fair and comprehensive resolution that considers the child's best interests and safeguards the rights of all parties involved.
The creation of prenuptial and postnuptial agreements is a prudent step for couples seeking to safeguard their assets and responsibilities. Family lawyers are adept at drafting these agreements, which outline the distribution of resources and commitments in the event of divorce or the passing of a spouse. These agreements provide a clear roadmap for the future and offer protection for both partners. By collaborating with a family lawyer to formulate such agreements, individuals can approach their marriage with a sense of transparency, security, and mutual understanding.
Navigating the complex legal landscape of adoption necessitates the expertise of a seasoned family lawyer. These professionals are well-versed in the adoption processes' legal requirements and intricacies. Family lawyers play a pivotal role in guiding individuals and families through the adoption journey, from preparing the necessary documentation to addressing potential challenges. By enlisting their support, aspiring parents can ensure that all legal obligations are met and that the path to expanding their family is as smooth and efficient as possible.
When confronted with domestic violence or the need for restraining orders, seeking the guidance of a family lawyer is crucial. These legal experts are equipped to guide individuals through the process of obtaining the necessary legal safeguards. Family lawyers not only provide representation in court proceedings but also ensure that the rights and well-being of the affected individuals are diligently protected. Their expertise serves as a shield against potential harm, guaranteeing that legal measures are in place to address and prevent domestic violence.
Family lawyers play an indispensable role in estate planning by assisting individuals in creating comprehensive plans for the distribution of their assets. Through the crafting of wills, trusts, and other estate planning documents, they ensure that an individual's wishes are upheld after their passing. This proactive approach minimizes the risk of family disputes and ensures the preservation of one's legacy. By collaborating with a family lawyer, individuals can design a tailored estate plan that reflects their desires and secures the financial well-being of their loved ones.
In situations where a family member becomes incapacitated and unable to make decisions, family lawyers offer essential guidance in establishing guardianship or conservatorship arrangements. These arrangements ensure the well-being and proper management of the incapacitated individual's affairs. Family lawyers are well-versed in the legal intricacies associated with these processes and work diligently to protect the rights and interests of all parties involved. By enlisting their assistance, families can navigate challenging circumstances while upholding the dignity and care of their loved ones.
The realm of surrogacy and reproductive technology presents unique legal considerations, and family lawyers specialized in this area are essential in ensuring a smooth and legally sound process. These experts assist in drafting comprehensive agreements that define the roles and responsibilities of all parties involved. By safeguarding parental rights and navigating potential legal complexities, family lawyers contribute to successfully realizing modern family-building methods. Their involvement gives individuals confidence in the legal framework underpinning their journey to parenthood.
When it comes to family matters, having a knowledgeable family lawyer from MP Lawyers on your side can make all the difference. Our dedicated team, led by Sherri D. Moss, is committed to ensuring your family's best interests are upheld. Ready to secure your family's future? Get in touch with MP Lawyers today!
To learn more about the services we offer, please click here. To contact us, please click here or call us at (905)-237-7545.
While some may consider self-representation or mediation as alternatives, the complexities of divorce law can easily spiral into a tangled mess for those lacking legal experience. In this blog post, we delve into the invaluable advantages of enlisting the services of a divorce lawyer. From safeguarding your rights to easing the emotional burden, these legal professionals offer a comprehensive toolkit to ensure a smoother transition to the next chapter of your life.
Divorce proceedings can often become intricate and convoluted due to the diverse landscape of laws and regulations that govern them, often varying significantly from one jurisdiction to another. Attempting to navigate these complexities on your own can be overwhelming, with potential pitfalls that could result in costly mistakes. In such a context, enlisting the services of a seasoned divorce lawyer becomes not just a luxury but a necessity. These legal professionals bring to the table a wealth of specialized expertise that can prove invaluable when dealing with the multifaceted aspects of divorce. Their comprehensive understanding of divorce law, spanning topics ranging from property division and child custody to alimony and beyond, guides you through the tumultuous journey of divorce proceedings.
A skilled divorce lawyer provides knowledge of the legal intricacies and ensures that your case adheres to the appropriate procedures and deadlines, safeguarding against procedural missteps that could jeopardize your interests. Their mastery of local laws is an assurance that the paperwork you submit is accurate and aligned with the legal requirements of your jurisdiction. Entrusting your case to a divorce lawyer grants you the peace of mind that comes from knowing that your legal affairs are being meticulously handled by a well-versed professional navigating the complexities of divorce law, ultimately working to secure the best possible outcome for you.
Divorce is an emotionally charged experience, often accompanied by a whirlwind of feelings that can cloud judgment and hinder rational decision-making. In this emotionally tumultuous period, having a divorce lawyer by your side offers more than just legal guidance—it provides a beacon of rationality and objectivity. Amid the storm of emotions, a divorce lawyer serves as an anchor, offering a clear and impartial perspective guided by your case's legal and practical aspects.
This impartial viewpoint is. valuable when negotiating terms with your soon-to-be-ex-spouse or their legal representation. A divorce lawyer's ability to provide objective advice based on their legal expertise ensures that you make decisions not solely driven by momentary emotions but aligned with your long-term best interests. Their insights into the potential consequences of various choices empower you to make informed decisions that will lay the foundation for your future well-being. By offering this rational counsel amidst the emotional turmoil, a divorce lawyer becomes an invaluable partner in helping you navigate the complexities of divorce with clarity and foresight.
In the realm of divorce proceedings, a significant number of cases are resolved through negotiations or mediation rather than proceeding to a trial. During these crucial phases, the presence of a seasoned divorce lawyer can prove to be a game-changer. Acting as your dedicated advocate, divorce lawyers bring their honed negotiation skills to secure terms that favor your position and align with your desired outcomes. Whether it involves reaching agreements related to property division, spousal support, child custody, or visitation rights, a divorce lawyer's ability to navigate these negotiations effectively can substantially impact the final terms of your divorce settlement.
In mediation scenarios, where both parties strive to find common ground outside of the courtroom, a divorce lawyer plays a pivotal role. They ensure that your voice is heard and represented effectively, guiding the mediation process toward a resolution that both you and your ex-spouse can accept. This approach often culminates in swifter, more cost-effective resolutions, fostering a more amicable post-divorce relationship between former partners. The skilled negotiation and expert mediation provided by a divorce lawyer contribute to the pursuit of equitable solutions while safeguarding your interests and promoting an environment of cooperation.
The landscape of divorce proceedings is replete with a myriad of legal documents, financial disclosures, and settlement agreements, each holding significant implications for the outcome of the case. The preparation, interpretation, and scrutiny of these documents demand a level of accuracy and attention to detail that cannot be overstated. This is where the experience and expertise of a divorce lawyer shine brightest. With a keen eye for detail honed through years of legal practice, a divorce lawyer meticulously manages the intricate legal documentation accompanying divorce proceedings.
From drafting legally sound agreements to deciphering complex financial disclosures, a divorce lawyer's ability to interpret and create these documents ensures that they stand up to scrutiny and legal standards. This meticulous approach minimizes the potential for errors that could later lead to legal complications or costly delays. By enlisting the services of a divorce lawyer, you can be confident that every document is completed correctly, submitted promptly, and strategically crafted to protect your interests, thereby paving the way for a smoother and more seamless divorce process.
Divorce ranks among life's most challenging and stress-inducing events, characterized by heightened emotions and significant life changes. Balancing the emotional toll of divorce with the demands of navigating legal matters can easily become an overwhelming endeavor. This is where the pivotal role of a divorce lawyer becomes evident. By engaging the services of a qualified and experienced divorce lawyer, you effectively offload a substantial portion of the stress and legal burden onto a professional equipped to navigate the intricacies of divorce proceedings.
This strategic decision allows you to allocate more of your energy toward emotional healing, self-care, and the support of your family and loved ones during this transition. Knowing that a dedicated expert is managing the legal intricacies provides a profound sense of relief, enabling you to approach the divorce process with a clearer mindset and more effective coping mechanisms. The support provided by a divorce lawyer in alleviating stress ensures that you can navigate this challenging chapter with greater resilience and a stronger focus on your overall well-being.
Embarking on a divorce journey is undoubtedly challenging, but you don't have to face it alone. At MP Lawyers, we understand the intricacies of divorce law and the emotional toll it can take. Our team, led by Sherri D. Moss, brings over 18 years of experience to the table, ensuring you receive the support and expert guidance you need. Ready to make your divorce journey smoother? Get in touch with MP Lawyers today!
To learn more about the services we offer, please click here. To contact us, please click here or call us at (905)-237-7545.
However, while there is a general understanding of the benefits of a family law lawyer, many are still uncertain about their importance in dealing with emotion-rich cases. Besides, several others are ignorant about the law or let misconstrued notions guide their legal decisions. This can not just affect your finances but can disrupt your mental and emotional well being.
To help you steer clear of the misconceptions that plague this genre of law, MP LAWYERS has debunked two of the most widely believed myths about family law.
Myth 1: The mother always gets custody of the children.
This myth exists due to preconceived beliefs that the mother should care for the child. In Ontario, however, the law has evolved. Courts now treat each parent as equal, without placing any relevance on gender. When determining who gets custody and access, the courts tend to keep their focus on the best interests of the children.
Myth 2: The lower income spouse can always claim spousal support:
The reality is that there are a considerable number of factors that will ascertain entitlement. Once the threshold of entitlement is achieved, the second determination is quantum and duration. Spousal support is complex, and family law lawyers make every effort to explain entitlement and or obligations to pay support and work towards a fair outcome.
For experienced family law lawyers in Richmond Hill, ON, reach out to MP LAWYERS. We have been providing exceptional legal representation for our family law clients for over fifteen years. Our lawyers have extensive knowledge of the laws relating to your rights, obligations and all aspects of your family law situation.
For a complete list of our services, please click here. If you have any questions about family law, we’d love to hear from you. Please contact us here.
]]>Keep in mind that finding a family law attorney might not be easy as they handle delicate and personal situations, which require you to feel comfortable while working with them. Which is why it would be best if you found a professional you can talk to freely without holding anything back, putting them in a better position to assist you.
Unfortunately, many people do not consider the realities of their situation before seeking legal assistance. They allow emotions to cloud their better judgment, give into frustrations, and let friends and family make their decisions. These mistakes can result in severe trouble now and in the future. To help you avoid such instances, MP LAWYERS has put together a list of the most common mistakes people make when choosing a family law lawyer.
1. Not spending enough time to find the right expert. You need to know that finding the right fit is worth your time investment. There’s no need to rush the decision. Have a meeting with a lawyer and be prepared to express your fears, concerns, and expectations.
2. Leaving everything up to the lawyer. If you feel rushed into the legal process, you may want to avoid participating and leave everything in the lawyer’s hands. However, as a client, you can add your inputs without overstepping your role. The key is to come up with a strategy that suits your personality. Also remember, costs can be high, so a wise approach is to express multiple questions or concerns in one email or phone call.
3. Allowing emotion or pressure from family members to persuade decisions. This is your case, and you are unique so the way to approach your circumstances may be different from someone else who went through the same thing. Manage expectations but be an active participant. Remember, this is your matter and your journey.
4. Giving in to frustration and firing or changing lawyers hastily. Before changing lawyers, spend time outlining your disappointments and concerns. A small check-in can often shed light on the things causing your frustration and help you reach solutions.
5. Expecting the same results as someone else. As a customer, you need to be aware that while on the face a fact scenario may appear similar, there are often many variables that determine the outcome. Trust is crucial in a lawyer-client relationship.
6. Choosing a lawyer based on hourly rates or retainer fees. Clients’ often make this mistake because they have heard stories or are genuinely concerned about costs. However, it would be best if you focused on your lawyer’s methods and services first. To know your lawyer better, ask broader questions, such as how many steps will you case require, or what are the costs for the various options presented. Take the time to understand the whole process before asking the initial question about hourly rates or upfront retainers.
7. Following the advice of a friend or family member who went through the same thing. Usually, people get caught in the trap that everyone they know is suddenly an expert. The best way to fix that mistake is to exercise discretion, not everyone needs to know your business. Find a lawyer you trust and leave all the backseat lawyers to keep their opinions out of earshot. Keep only one or two confidants to run things by.
8. Expecting to provoke the other side or have letters sent every time an incident arises during a separation. It is vital to know that being too reactive often backfires. Take a step back as nothing is earth shattering that needs to be addressed instantly. When clients wait twenty-four hours before contacting a lawyer about a concern, they often calm down and have a much better perspective. This can control costs and emotions from running too high.
To avoid these and other mistakes, reach out to the dedicated and experienced lawyers at MP LAWYERS. We have been providing exceptional legal representation for our family law clients for over fifteen years. We understand that one of the more emotionally troubling and challenging events encountered in life include separation or divorce and the related family law issues that ensue. We are happy to represent you with the experience that we already have, and tackle any challenges that may come up.
For a complete list of our services, please click here. If you have any questions about family law, we’d love to hear from you. Please contact us here.
]]>We would like to inform our clients that on Monday, December 24th, 2018, we are open until 4 pm. We will be closed on Christmas day and Boxing Day. On Monday, December 31st, 2018 we are open till 5 pm.
If you need any assistance from us during the holiday season, feel free to get in touch with us by clicking here.
]]>As a leading family law firm, MP LAWYERS want to help you stand the best chance of winning a case you may find yourself embroiled in. To help you do so, we have formulated a Beginner’s Guide fighting a criminal charge or a family law court matter. By following this guide, you will have some basic advice to follow and put into practice.
Getting Started
Hire a professional: When you are facing a divorce or separation, a professional can guide you through the process. They will also provide expert legal advice on your rights, and make sure you are protected and not taken advantage of.
Know what you want and ask questions: Clients should write down their questions and goals before their appointment with a legal professional so that they can feel prepared and will leave feeling informed and have a better understanding of the process.
Next Steps
Be prepared: Three fundamental aspects that associated with a successful case are knowing the facts, being organized, and having an action plan. Any reputable lawyer you approach will help you with these three steps.
Be involved: One of the most critical aspects of a successful case is participation. As a client, you have to be actively involved and participative. The lawyer will guide you, but you are the person who has the final say in the process and the ultimate outcome.
Be realistic: As a client, you need to be realistic with your expectations and choose to focus on the major issues. Keep in mind that compromising on the smaller issues can go a long way, and you should stay fixated on the bigger picture.
Advice From The Pros
Don’t let emotion overpower logic: One of the biggest mistakes you can make is letting emotions control your actions. The reason you hired a professional lawyer, who has no personal stake or involvement in your case is to help you make logical decisions. A legal case is about results, not the battle.
Communicate and listen: For a successful case, as a client, you have to be open with your lawyer. Express your expectations right from the start, and don’t be impulsive. Keep in mind that these matters can take time to resolve. The process is a journey, so pick a lawyer you feel comfortable with and can connect to.
At MP LAWYERS, our goal is to provide exceptional legal representation for our family law clients. As a leading family law firm in Richmond Hill, we understand that one of the more emotionally troubling and challenging events encountered in life include separation or divorce and the related family law issues that ensue. If you want an experienced family law lawyer on your side who has extensive knowledge of the laws pertaining to your particular issue, visit our website to learn more or contact MP LAWYERS today.
]]>It’s tough to put into words Maria’s importance, but the reason we’re featuring her on our blog this month is to showcase our appreciation for her efforts. Maria has quite the reputation amongst staff but even more importantly among our clients.
What makes Maria unique is that she routinely foresees the client’s needs and ensures that they’re met, making her extremely loved by clients. She is client-focused and takes the time to understand their concerns and often goes the extra mile. Our clients sincerely appreciate the efforts she puts in, and so do we.
Maria is dedicated to our clients, and she genuinely puts her heart into assisting clients. In one case, she worked until 3 am making sure everything was ready for court to put our client at the best advantage. She ensures that she always has your back.
Recently, one of our young clients was overwhelmed by the situation she found herself in, so Maria made a personal house visit to make her feel comfortable. Maria adds a personal touch to our business and we appreciate her value immensely.
Just like Maria, at MP LAWYERS, we take great pride in providing personalized legal services to our clients across Richmond Hill, Thornhill, Aurora, Newmarket, and Vaughan. The next time you’re looking for a family law firm, get in touch with us by clicking here or visit our website.
]]>Getting a divorce is never easy! Being forced to make decisions during an emotionally trying time force you to seek assistance from people you know and love. However, the advice that’s forthcoming isn’t always right.
In your best interests, people tell you how you should go about handling matters right from the status of the children, to who gets to keep the dog, making you feel like the world is full of experts trying to get you the best deal.
However, more often than not, this advice is based on misinformation that has been passed down from person to person. And blindly following this advice could cause more harm than good.
The MP LAWYERS takes divorce very seriously. We understand your situation and want to help you, which is why we have debunked some of the most widely believed myths about divorce.
1. Leaving the matrimonial home to live elsewhere implies that you forfeit your ownership rights.
This is not true. Leaving the matrimonial home to live elsewhere does not mean you abandoned the home. Your ownership rights continue to exist as before. We can ensure that we preserve all your property rights, regardless as to where you currently reside, even if it is out of the country or province. Moving will not affect your entitlement.
2. Your lawyer must always be aggressive
While most clients want their lawyers to be aggressive to the other side, it’s actually far more cost effective to be respectful and direct. The accusatory exchange of letters is costly but not conducive to resolving the matter but actually fuels the dispute, prolongs the case and escalates costs.
If you’re looking for experienced divorce lawyers so that you don't fall prey to such myths, get in touch with the MP LAWYERS. We have been providing exceptional legal representation for our family law clients for over fifteen years. For a complete list of our services, please click here. If you have any questions about MP LAWYERS, we’d love to hear from you. Contact us here.
]]>The Office of the Children's Lawyer employs both lawyers and clinicians (social workers), who work on a fee-for-service basis across the province. Clinicians prepare reports for the court and help lawyers who are representing children.
Article Courtesy: https://www.attorneygeneral.jus.gov.on.ca/english/family/ocl/.
]]>Article Courtesy: https://www.ontario.ca/faq/how-do-i-transfer-ownership-vehicle-family-member
]]>Article Courtesy: https://www.canada.ca/en/revenue-agency/services/forms-publications/forms/t2220.html
]]>A marriage certificate is a document containing the details of a marriage performed in Ontario. You can order a copy or multiple copies online if the marriage is registered in Ontario. You can use this certificate to change your name, process a divorce, or as a record of family history.
Article Courtesy: https://www.ontario.ca/page/how-get-copy-ontario-marriage-certificate-online.
]]>These changes established a new process for the valuation and division of pension assets following the breakdown of a spousal relationship. This family law pension valuation and division regime requires the pension plan administrator (Plan Administrator) to calculate the value of the pension, provides for immediate division, and mandates the use of Superintendent of Financial Services approved forms throughout the process.
Article Courtesy: http://fsco.gov.on.ca/en/pensions/Family-Law/Pages/familylawforms.aspx.
]]>Article Courtesy: https://mcss.gov.on.ca/en/mcss/programs/familyresponsibility/index.aspx.
]]>A consent letter is not a legal requirement in Canada, but it can simplify travel for Canadian children, as it may be requested by immigration authorities when entering or leaving a foreign country or by Canadian officials when re-entering Canada. The letter demonstrates that Canadian children have permission to travel abroad from parents or guardians who are not accompanying them.
Article Courtesy: https://travel.gc.ca/travelling/children/consent-letter.
]]>To decide on how much spousal support and the length of time that it should be paid, the law says that judges must consider a number of factors, including how much the person asking for support needs to meet his or her needs, and how much the other person can afford to pay. A person may claim support to help him or her become financially self-sufficient or to keep from ending up in serious financial difficulty.
Article Courtesy: https://www.attorneygeneral.jus.gov.on.ca/english/family/divorce/support/spousal.php.
]]>Article Courtesy: https://www.ontario.ca/page/arranging-child-support
]]>I am delighted to announce the launch of my new website!
My new website provides my existing and prospective clients with a simple yet interactive view of my work and the services that I offer. Stay tuned to my blog for new ideas! Sign up here so you never miss an update.
For any inquiries and feedback, please write to me at smoss@ffmlawyers.com or call me at (647)483-6070
In our last segment, we outlined the purposes of a settlement conference. Now let’s look at the purposes of a trial management conference.
Each conference has a distinct purpose. These are outlined in the Family Law Rules which govern how a court file proceeds in Ontario.
The third and the last in the series of conference is the trial management conference. The purposes of a trial management conference include: (some also apply to case conferences and settlement conferences)
This is only possible if the documentation and information needed to have a meaningful discussion has been exchanged.
Make sure your lawyer has all of your documentation well ahead of the conference if he or she did not have it for the case conference and has asked the other side well ahead of the conference for exactly what documentation and information he or she is looking for. That gives each side time to review all of the documentation. That allows you to go into your settlement conference prepared to have settlement discussions.
You should also have provided the other side with a detailed offer to settle. This offer may be limited if you did not have enough information or documentation to put forward an offer to settle on each and every issue.
Your lawyer and the other lawyer should communicate before the trial management conference brief is due in order to discuss whether the length of the trial can be lessened by agreement on facts or use of any of the above noted documents.
The trial management judge may well make orders in terms of the order in which witnesses will testify if this is necessary due to timing issues or distance the witness must travel.
1) Exploring the use of expert evidence reports at trial, including the timing requirements for service and filing of experts’ reports.
There are rules governing the use of experts’ reports at trial. If you intend to call an expert at trial, a copy of his or her report must be provided to the other side no later than 90 days prior to the trial.
“Trial by ambush” or taking the other party by surprise may happen on television, but it is not allowed in real life. You and your lawyer have a right to know what evidence the other side will present and who the other side plans to call to testify at trial.
You will be kept to your estimated time for trial, so your lawyer should carefully and realistically consider how much time is needed for you to present your case, including cross-examination of witnesses.
In some jurisdictions, there are specific times of the year that trials are heard, so there may well be a significant gap in between when the case is set for trial and when the trial proceeds.
Corrine M. van der Burg, LL.B.
Daniel R. Furlan, LL.B.
Counsel
Fader Furlan Moss, LLP.
In our last segment, we outlined the purposes of a case conference. Now let's look at the purposes of a settlement conference. Each conference has a distinct purpose. These are outlined in the Family Law Rules which govern how a court file proceeds in Ontario.
The second conference is usually a settlement conference. The purposes of a settlement conference include: (some also apply to case conferences)
This is only possible if the documentation and information needed to have a meaningful discussion has been exchanged.
Make sure your lawyer has all of your documentation well ahead of the conference if he or she did not have it for the case conference and has asked the other side well ahead of the conference for the documentation and information he or she is looking for. That gives each side time to review all of the documentation and allows you to go into your settlement conference prepared to have serious meaningful settlement discussions.
You should also have provided the other side with a detailed offer to settle. This offer may be limited if you do not have enough information or documentation to put forward an offer to settle each and every issue.
Your lawyer and the other lawyer should communicate before the settlement conference brief is due in order to discuss whether there are any issues that are in fact agreed to and therefore are no longer in dispute. For example, if the value of a particular item was in dispute but further documentation that is exchanged helps to determine the value to the satisfaction of each of the parties, then that issue no longer requires the attention of the judge.
Don't wait until you and your lawyer are at the settlement conference. If there is information or documentation that you require, ask the other side for it long before the conference. Ask yourself what information or documentation you need in order to make an informed decision regarding each aspect of the other side's offer to settle.
1) Settling or narrowing any issues relating to any expert evidence or reports on which the parties intend to rely at trial.There may be a pension report, business valuation, income/business assessment, or medical reports for example that fall into this category. If these reports are available at the settlement conference, there may be more meaningful settlement discussions or the issues in questions can possibly be narrowed.
Sometimes counsel exchange "requests to admit" which requires the other side to either admit or dispute certain facts or the authenticity of certain documents. If certain facts or certain documents are key to the case, it may be helpful to use the request to admit to determine the other party's position on the fact or document.
In our opinion, this is one of the main benefits to any conference. You have an opportunity to hear from a judge what he or she thinks the outcome would be if the matter proceeds to trial based on what is an incomplete picture of the whole case (a "complete" picture is only possible after a full blown extensive trial). It is therefore important that the presiding judge has all of the information and documentation he or she needs before him or her to be able to give that opinion.
Your presiding judge may well have wise suggestions of things to take into consideration that may assist in settlement of one or more issues. Take careful note of what the judge mentions.
Careful consideration should and must be given to this. You need to consider what you need to prove to verify your contentions and what witnesses you will need to provide the evidence in order to do so. You will be kept to your estimated time for trial, so your lawyer should carefully and realistically consider how much time is needed for you to present your case and respond to the other side's case, including cross-examination of witnesses for the other side
The trial management conference is the third and last conference in the path to the trial of the outstanding issues if matters cannot settle.
Check back for information on the purposes of a trial management conference.
Corrine M. van der Burg, LL.B.
Daniel R. Furlan, LL.B.
Counsel
Fader Furlan Moss, LLP.
Last week we outlined the stages of a family court proceeding. Now let's look at the purposes of each of the conferences.
Each conference has a distinct purpose. These are outlined in the Family Law Rules which govern how a court file proceeds in Ontario.
The first conference is the case conference. The purposes of a case conference include;
This is only possible if the documentation and information needed to have a meaningful discussion has been exchanged.
Make sure your lawyer has all of your documentation well ahead of the conference and has asked the other side for exactly what he or she is looking for. That gives each side time to review all of the material so that you are in a position to go into your case conference well prepared to have a grasp of what needs to be done to move the case forward and perhaps commence settlement discussions.
Your lawyer and the other lawyer should communicate before the case conference brief is due in order to discuss whether there are any issues that in fact agreed to. Your case conference brief is a document for the judge that outlines background information, the issues in your case, the important facts in your case, your proposal for settlement and certain other procedural information.
Again, this is likely only possible if information and documentation have been exchanged and counsel speak with each other meaningfully.
There may be a pension report, business valuation, income assessment, or medical reports for example that fall into this category. If these reports are available at the case conference, there may be more meaningful settlement discussions or the issues in questions can possibly be narrowed.
Sometimes counsel exchange "requests to admit" which require the other side to either admit or dispute certain facts or the authenticity of certain documents. If certain facts or certain documents are key to the case, it may be helpful to use the request to admit to determine the other party's position on the fact or document.
This is most commonly the settlement conference. It is important to set the date for next step right at the conference in order to ensure that the matter is moved along, unless there are specific reasons not to. Parties are usually free to seek a Court date to seek specific temporary orders or a motion if some issues that cannot wait until trial are unresolved.
Again, it is important to ensure that the matter is moved along. The timetable may include the date by which certain documents need to be exchanged, the date for questioning if that is going to happen, or the date by which certain motions must be brought if there are in the meantime orders needed.
Once again, doing this helps move the matter along.
Check back for information on the purposes of a settlement conference.
Corrine M. van der Burg, LL.B.
Daniel R. Furlan, LL.B.
Counsel
Fader Furlan Moss, LLP.
Part 2 in the series... So, It didn't settle and you're headed to Family Court
So you find yourself headed to Family Court. What now?
It can get confusing when you have to navigate the various stage of a family law matter in our Ontario courts. We'll try to help by outlining the various stages of a court proceeding and telling you what kind of orders can be made at the conferences we will tell you about. In upcoming days, we will provide information concerning each type of conference mentioned below.
Stages Of The Family Law Proceeding
Unless there is something that is absolutely urgent, the first stage in a family law proceeding is the case conference. The focus of this conference is to determine what document disclosure or procedural orders are required to move the case forward towards resolution.
The matter then either proceeds to a motion in order to obtain any necessary "in the meantime" orders. Often the issues of access and support are dealt with at this stage since parties may not be in a position to wait until final resolution of the case. There are 2 ways a Court case is resolved on a final basis; the parties settle all of the issues (at any point) or a final order is made at trial.
The next step in a proceeding is a settlement conference. The focus of that conference, is as one would imagine, is to explore settlement options for the case.
If the case does not settle by this time, the next step is the trial management conference. The focus of this conference is to organize and hopefully streamline the pending trial by discussing the issues to be tried, discussing what evidence will likely be presented, establishing witnesses to be called at trial and estimating the length of the trial and establishing time lines.
Attached is a chart outlining the stages of a family law proceeding.
Check back for information on the different conferences we wrote about.
What Types Of Orders Can Be Made At Conferences?
It is important to understand what types of orders can be made at a conference so as to not have unrealistic expectations of what can or will happen.
Unless the order is made on consent, a judge cannot make orders concerning issues like custody, access, or support.
At a conference, a judge can make orders concerning:
If notice has been given, a judge may or may not make certain temporary orders such orders for support at a conference. Speak specifically to your lawyer on the issue of what types of order he or she anticipates might be made at the conference you are about to attend.
Check back for information about the purposes of each of the conferences.
Corrine M. van der Burg, LL.B.
Daniel R. Furlan, LL.B.
Counsel
Fader Furlan Moss, LLP.
So you find yourself headed to Family Court. What now?
People often have certain common questions about going to court. We'll address some of them.
What do I wear?
Dress conservatively.
Wear a dress, skirt and top, dress pants and top, or suit if you are a woman.
Men should wear a dress shirt and dress pants or a suit.
Where do I sit?
You should sit beside your lawyer at the counsel table after being invited by the Court (your lawyer should ask the Justice first)
Will the Judge ask me questions?
If you have a lawyer, likely not. Always answer questions directly. Your lawyer will intervene if necessary.
If the Judge asks me a question, how do I address him or her?
You should always refer to the Judge as Your Honour.
How long will it take in court?
It is difficult to know. Sometimes you wait for matters ahead of yours to proceed. Sometimes the Judge wants the parties and their lawyers to go and talk and come back later that day to see him or her. You should book the entire day off of work and make child care arrangements if necessary.
Is there anything I should not do?
Yes. You should not do the following:
Roll your eyes or make other facial expressions or sounds of expression.
Chew gum
Speak- unless your lawyer or the Judge says it is ok
Have your cell phone or smart phone on. -Turning it to mute or airplane mode is not enough.
May I bring a family member or friend with me for support?
Yes you may.
Will that family member or friend be allowed to come into the courtroom with me?
Normally yes but not for some conferences or the Judge believes there exists reasons why the courtroom should be closed for your case.
Should I tell my child/children that I am going to court?
Absolutely not.
What should I do if the other party tells the child/children we are going to court?
Assure the child/children that the adults are meeting with a Judge to help make decisions. Assure the child this is not something they need to worry about. Assure the child that both you and the other parent love them and want to do what is best for them.
Can I bring my child/children to court?
Absolutely not.
What if I don't understand something during the hearing?
Ask your lawyer to explain it to you right there if a decision is to be made. Don't interrupt them while they are speaking. Write a note to them. Most lawyers will provide a note pad for their client for this purpose prior to the matter being heard. Otherwise, ask your lawyer once you have stepped outside of the courtroom.
Can anyone hear me if I ask my lawyer something?
Yes, as there are microphones at the counsel table. It is best to write your questions down. If you must speak, do so as quietly as possible.
Check back for information on the different stages of a court proceeding.
Corrine M. van der Burg, LL.B.
Daniel R. Furlan, LL.B.
Counsel
Fader Furlan Moss, LLP.
Court documents obtained by The Associated Press from Cook County Circuit Court on Friday say a suburban mom this week submitted an "Emergency Petition For World Series Tickets" to see Game 4 Saturday against the Cleveland Indians. A judge's order says the tickets for Saturday are held by Nancy Riddle's estranged husband and fellow Cubs fan John Riddle.
Judge Marya Nega ruled after in-court arguments that the husband can keep the tickets for himself and the couple's 12-year-old son but should pay for a new ticket for Nancy Riddle in a "comparable" section to his. The cheapest available tickets start at around $3,000.
The Cubs haven't won a World Series title since 1908 and long-suffering fans are paying a minimum of thousands of dollars per ticket to attend games at Wrigley Field. Even standing-room tickets on sites such as StubHub started at around $2,500, with tickets for most actual seats going for at least five figures and some sellers asking for more than $100,000 for prime box seats.
The husband's lawyer, Michael Berger, declined to name his client in a Thursday interview. But he did describe the legal tussle, saying his client landed the World Series tickets because he bought a season-ticket package deal with his friends this year before divorce proceedings began in April.
Berger said he objected to the notion that because the Cubs hadn't made it to a World Series in 71 years, the request for the judge to intervene on the ticket issue was an emergency because the Cubs might not make it back to another World Series in the wife's lifetime.
Berger is a fan of the Cubs' bitter cross-town rivals, the White Sox, and said he reluctantly acknowledged to the court during arguments before the judge that the Cubs "are a great team."
"Even if the Cubs lose this time, it is likely - regrettably - that they will be back to the World Series again soon," he said in a Thursday phone interview.
The law firm representing Nancy Riddle, Davis Freeman LLC, declined any comment.
]]>For Parents, Caregivers and Children:
Many children are walking and biking to school. Younger children often lack the skills to negotiate traffic safely. Help them by stressing the following safety rules:
When crossing intersections without signals or crossing guards, children should:
When crossing intersections with signals, children should:
When crossing with the assistance of adult crossing guards and student safety patrollers:
Railway Crossings:
For Drivers:
Back to school means more children walking and biking on our roads. Younger children often have limited experience with traffic and lack the skills to negotiate traffic safely. Motorists need to take special care while driving. Help our children walk safely to school by following these important safety rules:
The province of Ontario will introduce a new set of traffic laws on Tuesday as part of its efforts to make driving safer in the province.
The "Making Ontario Roads Safer Act", or Bill 31, was approved unanimously in June and will come into effect Sept. 1- meaning some new rules for drivers and, in many cases, heavier penalties for breaking them.
Here is a look at five new traffic laws that are most likely to affect your everyday driving.
Distracted driving: If you're caught looking at your phone, texting or talking on your phone while driving, you will face much bigger fines and more demerit points, the province is warning. The current fine for distracted driving is approximately $200. As of Tuesday, those found guilty of distracted driving will face an increased set fine of $490 and three demerit points upon conviction. Drivers with G1 or G2 licenses could have their permits suspended on the spot.
Pedestrian crossovers: Drivers will have to wait until pedestrians have completely crossed the road at pedestrian crossovers and school crossings before proceeding. About half of all fatal traffic accidents involving pedestrians occur at intersections, the Ministry of Transportation said. The new law is an attempt to make roads safer for pedestrians. This change will take effect in January.
Passing cyclists: Drivers will have to give cyclists at least one metre of room wherever possible. The fine for breaking this rule has not yet been set. Motorists who open the door of their vehicle into the path of a cyclist without checking will face increased set fines of $365 and three demerit points upon conviction.
The "move over" law: As for Sept. 1, drivers will be require to slow down and move into the next lane whenever they see a stopped emergency vehicle with its red and blue lights flashing. This will apply to stopped tow trucks that have amber lights flashing. The fine for breaking these rules will be $490 and three demerit points.
Alcohol and drugs: Those caught driving under the influence of drugs will now face the same penalties as drunk drivers, the ministry said. These include between a three and 90-day license suspension and a week-long vehicle impoundment. More than 45 per cent of drivers killed in Ontario were found that have drugs or alcohol in their systems.
]]>First, in terms of spousal support, in Ontario, the definition of spouse for the purposes of spousal support includes either of 2 persons who are not married to each other and have cohabited (a) continuously for a period of not less than three years or (b) were in a relationship of some permanence, if they are the natural or adoptive parents of a child. It does not just apply to married spouses. Without a cohabitation agreement in which support is waived, you may be liable to pay spousal support should you and the other party separate.
If the other party has a child, you may think, "No problem, his or her child is not my biological child, so I won't have to pay child support if we separate. "You would be wrong. Even if the child's biological parent is on the picture, if you have demonstrated a settled intention to treat the other party's child as a member of your family, you may be found liable to pay child support if you and the other party separate. There are a number of factors that come into play here, so you should get legal advice based on your specific circumstances.
Regarding property, you may well think, "No problem, I'm not married so (s)he has no claim to my property. "You're right in terms of Ontario's family law legislation, but if the other party has helped you to acquire an asset or had a part in any increase to its value, he or she may make a claim based on what they would contend is their equitable interest in the property. Think for example about the home renovations your significant other has paid for or helped pay for.
So at this point you may be thinking, "Surely if I die s(he) and their child has no right whatsoever to my estate". You would be wrong. Under Ontario's Succession Law Reform Act, "Where a deceased (whether dying with or without a will) has not made adequate provision for the proper support of his or her dependants a court, on application, may order that such provision as it considers adequate be made out of the estate of the deceased for the proper support of the dependants or any of them." Dependant means the spouse, parent, child, or a brother or sister of the deceased. The definition of spouse and child are the same as noted above. You do not have to be married to be a spouse and you do not have to be biologically related to a child to be a parent.
So, bottom line, you may wish to protect yourself from the claims noted about by entering into a cohabitation agreement.
If you do, you should also know that, should you marry, under Ontario legislation, a cohabitation agreement is automatically deemed to be a marriage contract.
]]>"I feel like I need to get a divorce and end this so called marriage. Yet how can I be sure? Some days I feel more confident of my decision than others. A part of me still loves him or at least I care for him. I don't think I am in love with him, but what if I make a mistake. A lot of people will be affected by what I decide. Maybe I should not rush ahead with this. That's amusing since I have been thinking about it for three years. This whole thing wouldn't even be an issue and I could forget about this divorce, if he would just change his behavior."
Or you may be the one who has just heard that your spouse wants a divorce.
"Divorce? Where did that come from? Two weeks ago we were talking about a vacation in the mountains. I had no idea our marriage was this awful? I am shocked and devastated. I have got to find a way to put a stop to this. Maybe this is all a dream and when I wake up things will be back to normal."
Most books and articles on divorce are written based on the assumption that once a couple says they want a divorce that they are ready for divorce. It is our experience as therapists and divorce coaches, who have helped many people through this process that this is in fact not the case. Usually when couples begin the divorce process, either one but more often than not, both, are not really ready for the divorce.
Divorce professionals such as therapists, mediators and attorneys often believe that statements such as, "I've had it with him." or "My feelings have died for her," are indicators that the marriage is over. Attorney's often equate being hired for their services as an indicator that the couple is ready to divorce. This is not so.
Most couples who begin a divorce are unprepared and are often not even on the same page when they begin. It is this lack of preparedness and readiness for a divorce that either causes marriages to end prematurely or divorces to deteriorate into competitive contests. The decision to obtain a divorce is one of the most crucial decisions a person can make with consequences that last for years or a lifetime. A decision this important requires much greater attention than it is usually given by both couples and professionals. It is a process in and of itself. Once a couple is prepared and ready, they will sooner be able to begin their divorce by both being on the same page and this will eliminate most of the emotional and financial struggles that cause divorces to become adversarial and ruthless.
The reason many people do not even think about getting ready for a divorce is because they operate under the assumption that the sooner you can get out of a stressful situation the better. So there is a natural tendency for people who are in difficult marriages to want to get the divorce over with as quickly as possible in order to move on with their lives. Family and friends often encourage this as well. They hurt for the family and so also prescribe to the myth that the quicker the divorce is over, the sooner everything will return to normal. But unfortunately in most cases just the opposite happens. Couples who make rushed decisions to leave the marriage have had no time to evaluate their feelings, thoughts or options. As a result they are unprepared for the roller coaster of emotions, the complicated legal system and the many life changing decisions that they need to make. Quite often they make agreements which they cannot sustain, and instead of the situation getting better, they often find that they have just traded one set of problems for another. So it is no wonder that they often get tangled up in lengthy court cases and the very thing they hoped for, a quick divorce, often takes years.
This article outlines what couples need to do in order to face the numerous dilemmas that are inherent in divorce. A dilemma implies that you are torn between two choices, each of which have undesirable fearful elements. If people have not resolved their dilemmas before the divorce, they go through the process trying to manage their fear in different ways by hiding their doubt, responsibility; vulnerability, or dependency.
Whether a couple is starting the divorce process or even just contemplating a divorce, they need to first identify with the following divorce dilemmas.
The Three Divorce Dilemmas
Couples who are facing the possibility of a divorce face one of three dilemmas:
The common element in all three dilemmas is fear. In the first group there is a fear of making a mistake and being incorrect, the second will hide from it by denying that there are any problems or admitting their attachment to the familiar and the third group will fear any accountability and softness. The result in all three circumstances will be dragging, combative, and back and forth divorces.
For divorce to be a collaborative and respectful process, the couple must be prepared and ready to separate their lives on all levels; legally, practically and emotionally. To do this each person must face their divorce dilemma by answering the following 8 questions.
The 8 Questions
To be really married a couple must have created a relationship that included an "us" or a "we." Many people who are considering a divorce have never had a marriage that was anything more than two individuals meeting their own needs. They may have raised children and shared a home but they participated in those activities from a competitive rather than unified position. They would ask -"Do I want to do this or that", rather than ask "Is this good for us?" If you have not developed a genuine "we" in your relationship this would be the time to either commit to learning how to do that or to admit that you have never really had a marriage.
Even as a therapist who works in the area of divorce, I had a very difficult time admitting that my own marriage of fourteen years was in fact in name only, regardless of the years that we lived under the label of husband and wife. Our pattern was to threaten to break up every few months, and we had a daily ritual of fighting, and agreements that rarely lasted more than a week. I used to joke to my wife that she needed to keep her bags packed just in case she needed to leave quickly. This pattern remained despite the numerous counseling offices we attended. It was not until I was able to acknowledge to myself that I was neither single nor married, that I was in fact nowhere, did any real change occur. We started the real divorce process two months later.
To be really married a couple must have created a relationship that included an "us" or a "we." Many people who are considering a divorce have never had a marriage that was anything more than two individuals meeting their own needs. They may have raised children and shared a home but they participated in those activities from a competitive rather than unified position. They would ask ‚"Do I want to do this or that‚" rather than ask "Is this good for us?." If you have not developed a genuine "we" in your relationship this would be the time to either commit to learning how to do that or to admit that you have never really had a marriage.
Even as a therapist who works in the area of divorce, I had a very difficult time admitting that my own marriage of fourteen years was in fact in name only, regardless of the years that we lived under the label of husband and wife. Our pattern was to threaten to break up every few months, and we had a daily ritual of fighting, and agreements that rarely lasted more than a week. I used to joke to my wife that she needed to keep her bags packed just in case she needed to leave quickly. This pattern remained despite the numerous counseling offices we attended. It was not until I was able to acknowledge to myself that I was neither single nor married, that I was in fact nowhere, did any real change occur. We started the real divorce process two months later.
To be really married a couple must have created a relationship that included an "us" or a "we." Many people who are considering a divorce have never had a marriage that was anything more than two individuals meeting their own needs. They may have raised children and shared a home but they participated in those activities from a competitive rather than unified position. They would ask "Do I want to do this or that" rather than ask "Is this good for us?" If you have not developed a genuine "we" in your relationship this would be the time to either commit to learning how to do that or to admit that you have never really had a marriage.
Even as a therapist who works in the area of divorce, I had a very difficult time admitting that my own marriage of fourteen years was in fact in name only, regardless of the years that we lived under the label of husband and wife. Our pattern was to threaten to break up every few months, and we had a daily ritual of fighting, and agreements that rarely lasted more than a week. I used to joke to my wife that she needed to keep her bags packed just in case she needed to leave quickly. This pattern remained despite the numerous counseling offices we attended. It was not until I was able to acknowledge to myself that I was neither single nor married, that I was in fact nowhere, did any real change occur. We started the real divorce process two months later.
Many people who say they want a divorce still have strong feelings for their partner, but due to an ongoing power struggle in the relationship there is a lack of intimacy and closeness. If this is you, it is best that you work on your relationship prior to deciding to divorce otherwise your feelings of loss will overwhelm you and you may find yourself worse off after the divorce than you are now.
Celine had been married for seven years to a man she loved, who she considered to be a real sweet, gentle guy. However, she was very unhappy about their financial arrangement. She was the responsible one who paid all the expenses, while he seemed to be forever getting them further into debt. She was very stressed and miserable and saw divorce as her only way out of the financial strain she was under. But because of her feelings for him she was not able to support such a decision or even set a clear boundary, for fear of losing the relationship. With the help of her therapist, Celine recognized that she either needed to either set a clear boundary and be willing to lose the relationship, or else accept that all her hassling was a waste of time.
Divorce is often threatened, especially in heated marital arguments for the following reasons;
People who consistently threaten divorce lose credibility with themselves and their partner. If the person is not merely threatening, but is genuinely ready for a divorce, they can sustain the following thought in their own mind, "That I wish to close a chapter of my life, because I am at peace with the fact that there is no more that I can do or give to this relationship." They will discuss this appropriately with their spouse without any blame.
To be ready to divorce your partner means being able to make a clear, unemotional decision that you can support over time. Divorce means being able to let go of all strong emotional attachments to the other person, the loving ones as well as the hostile and hurtful ones. Emotionally charged decisions do not last and if acted on do not resolve the underlying problem. People who divorce out of anger stay angry even after the divorce is over.
A woman came to see me as her divorce coach after she had been divorced for five years because she was still struggling with the effects of her divorce. Her problem was that she was still feeling rage toward her ex husband and found her self hating him on a weekly basis. I said to her, "It sounds like you are still married." She insisted that this was incorrect due to the hatred she had for him. I responded that the hate she was experiencing essentially reflected a great passion toward him despite her hateful label, which I doubted any current man could match. I stated that only someone who is married could have such a passion. From that moment on she began to emotionally detach from her ex husband and work towards, with the help of the coaching, a real divorce.
A statement that would indicate that you are making a sincere, rather than an emotionally reactive decision is, "I acknowledge that you are a person in your own right with your own personality, hopes and dreams, I can respect you for that, but I no longer want to be married to you."
To be ready for divorce is to have a lower emotional attachment to the person you are separating from, other wise, the divorce process itself will be roller coaster of intense feelings, including anger, distrust and hurt.
Any agenda, other than ending the marriage, is an indication that you are not ready to divorce. If you are hoping that through the divorce the other person will change and start treating you better, realize how much they have lost or pay for how much they have hurt you, you are getting a divorce for the wrong reason. Divorce has no power to right wrongs nor change people's hearts and minds. Divorce can only do one thing, end a marriage, and in so doing free each person to make new attachments to new people.
Everyone who goes through a divorce is conflicted. People can feel guilty at the same time as they are sure that they want to end the relationship. Or they can feel betrayed and at the same time recognize that their life will be better once they are out of the relationship. Recognizing the conflict and owning that different parts of you will be struggling with the impact of divorce, at different times, is part of the process of getting ready for divorce.
Rick was having the hardest time deciding what to do about his marriage. For the longest time he claimed that he was confused, conflicted, and torn. He couldn't seem to feel at peace being in the marriage or in leaving. His wife was verbally beating him up over his indecisiveness, often calling him a wimp. As his therapist, I asked to speak to the part of him who wanted out and I told him I didn't want to hear from any other part. He started to speak quite clearly about feeling no passion for his wife, but within a minute he began to hedge this voice with statements like "She is a good mother or she is dependable." Each time he would attempt to dilute in this way, I would have to say that I only wanted to hear from the voice that wants "out." As the wanting "out" voice became more and more expressive, he began to visibly sweat. I asked "What is happening?" Finally, he said, "I am feeling guilty." Where is that coming from?, "I asked He said, "I made a promise that I would never follow the path of my father who left my mother." With this opposing voice sorted out and clarified, he was no longer confused. He was able to see that this old promise to himself was in conflict with his present desire to end his marriage. As he continued to work through those two opposing parts of himself he was finally able to make a decision that he felt at peace with and three months later he began the divorce proceedings.
Divorce brings change and grief because it is the loss of the "happy family" dream. Hurts , disappointments, loneliness, failure, rejection, inadequacy can all take hold of the psyche when we are in this extremely vulnerable passage. To be ready for the ups and downs of divorce it is necessary to have a support system of family and friends who will be there to help you emotionally and practically when needed.
One of the hardest consequences of divorce is needing to face another person's pain, be it your children's, your family or friends because divorce affects so many people's lives. If you are the one choosing they divorce you will have to hold on to your decision and the ending of your marriage in the face of all these people and circumstances. If you are the one who does not want the divorce, but your spouse wants to proceed, you will still need to get ready to accept the following consequences of a failed marriage. To know if you are ready, ask yourself if you are prepared for the following changes;
I recall one woman who was totally bored with her one dimensional passive husband and she expressed what seemed like a very strong desire to leave him after 20 years of marriage. Each time she would tell me that she was going to tell him she wanted to separate, she would back off long before she got home. To help her recognize her own struggle we made a list of the consequences of divorce, and the one thing she said she could never accept was the fact that her kids would hate her for leaving their father. She said she could not risk that, no matter how bored she was. Once she owned that this unpleasant consequence of her divorcing him would be more than she could stand, she was able to think of other ways to resolve the problem of being bored in her marriage. Over time she became more independent and started to travel and develop interests of her own.
Whether you are the one who wants the divorce or the one who is having to respond to your spouse wanting the divorce both situations have one thing in common, the marriage is ending. How people respond to this fact determines the type of divorce and future they will have. They can come from a position of bitterness, revenge or helplessness or they can negotiate for their future from a position of strength, understanding and respect.. The attitude you choose will determine the type of divorce you have. Your options are as follows: You can make Agreements that:
It is our experience that people who prepare themselves by first addressing all 8 questions are more likely to have a collaborative divorce. By starting the process in this way they are much better able to make lasting agreements with each other, resolve their difficulties and develop parenting plans that both supports the children and respects each others rights.
Bruce Derman Ph.D. and Wendy Gregson LMFT have extensive experience in helping couples obtain a Better Divorce through preparation, collaboration, and effective negotiation.